I'm worried that my indecicivness is harming me. Indecicive may be the wrong word, my mind spins out of control, bouncing from subject to subject, forgetting what I was originally thinking about, and losing the thread completely. Maybe writing will help me slow down a bit, organize my head a bit. Just don't worry about form, or pace, or how well my poing will get across. Forget about point, for that matter, even now I find myself searcing for something to wite, for some subject to have an opinion on. I'm pretty sure that defeats the purpose of the excercize. I sometimes wonder if my current issues stem from a lack of intimate connection with people. I'm not even thinkin about sex in particular, or even on romance. at least not romance in it's current bastardized romcom characterization. A good morning kiss, laughter on the couch over some stupid joke, a comfotable silence, these are the things I crave. I have some of these things in Jay, but she's a friend, not a partner, I worry that despite our strong friendship, that I may be a profoundly lonley person. However, I'm not convinced that lonliness is a cause of my, for the lack of a better word, scatterbrained behavior, but a symptom of something else. I don't consider myself to psycho- or sociopathic, instead, I seem to suffer from a lack of personality, without an anchor, another prescence to ground me, to define what I'm supposed to be in a particular situation, I seem to slip into nuetral. The side effects of this present simliarily to clinical depression, and I think, in part are part of why I have such a hard time keeping up with this blog. When I'm on my own, I tend to just become a sponge, abosrbing my environment, reading, watching, listening, but not neccisarily enjoying. When I'm disengaged like this, I don't seem to doubt anything being wrong, but when I've just come from being with people, or in rare moments when I actually consider it of my own accord, I develop a bit of.... ennui? It's hard to explain what I feel, it's not an emotion that I have a word for. I'm leaving for New York in a few hours, and I can't even manage to be excited about the trip. It looks like I'm going to get to meet up with Hyde, which is exciting, but other than that, I'm honestly not sure how I feel about the trip. I don't dread it, but I'm not really looking forward to it, either. Like I pointed out in the beginning of this, I've really lost where I was going with this train of thought, but before I go, I do have a quick nonexpositional bit of info to pass on. To anybody who writes, blog, journal or anything else, I suggest giving Q10 or another distraction free writing program a try, it's really a good way to get everything out of the way and just get things out onto the page, or screen as it may be.